Should we move to a new stadium? I think that there are one set of people who we have yet to consult over the move. I'm not talking about the fans, I'm not talking about the board, I'm not talking about the players/managers who have served Ayr so well in the past that we are speculating about naming parts of the ground after them. I am, of course, talking about those vital cogs in the machine that is Scottish football - the tabloid sub-editors. For far too long these "Shakespeares With Typewriters" have been limited by their contractual obligation to use the word "Ayr" in their headlines as part of a witty pun. You know the ones, we've seen them all a million times before - "Raith Stunned By Ayr Raid", "Fergie's Walking on Ayr", "Killie Blown Away By Blast Of Ayr", "Ayr Sign Another 23 Players - 'My Jigsaw Nearly Complete' Says Dalziel" and on and on and on.

We are at an historic crossroads in our history and I think it's time that we do our bit to help the Bards Of Anderston Quay and elsewhere. Now, given that it will be our chairman that is building the new ground and that it will double up as his headquarters, it's only fair to expect that his name form part of the new stadium name. Also, with the new millenium approaching and a new spirit of co-operation in Europe I think we could incorporate this new outlook into the name AND look a wee bit flash into the bargain. Therefore I give you our new stadium name -

The Barr-Stade.

With that, a whole new era opens up in the reporting of Ayr games.

"Ayr Stuff Kille Barr-Stades" could have been a headline after the Valentine's Day game. "Useless Bar-Stades" could have been a headline for most other games this season. "The Referee's a Bar-Stade" anytime ever.

In fact, going a little further, if we persuade completely fictitious Ayr supporting Malaysian businessman Phu King Hump to sponsor a stand, we could get:

"Ayr Phu King Hump Kille Bar-Stades",
"The Referee's a Phu King Bar-Stade" and
"Man involved in piss-poor, contrived running gag found with PC stuffed up his arse".

dougie

dougal mckinnon
(d.mckinnon@staffs.ac.uk)